The Green-Eyed Monster Across Town

I think that one of the reasons I am disliked is because of that little green-eyed monster that rears up in every profession, but seems to be daily conversation in performing arts. Of course, actors are ridiculously jealous: that actress is cuter/skinnier/prettier/a better singer/a better dancer/taller/shorter/older/younger. . . fill in any other adjective here. Acting is such a profoundly personal art, especially because your instrument is your own body, it is not surprising that we as actors generally get jealous of others when what we really wish is to be better and more castable.

    But, I am actually not an actor (although I do act). My job is to be a director, and it's generally as a director that I am disliked. I know that part of the reason people dislike me so much is because of the green-eyed monster. I think I could make quite a case for other people being nasty to me because they're jealous, but I don't think that is actually the main reason.

    I think one of the real problems here is that I am insanely jealous. I get jealous of the actors when I'm directing, wishing I could be as good as them and be the star onstage. When I am acting, I am usually jealous of the director, wishing I could be in control of the show. I am jealous of the other theaters in town, that they are more established, and that all the people at the local community theater seem to be wonderful friends. I am jealous of the people in my company who go out and have fun without me. I am jealous of the money, prestige, and recognition of other organizations. That is only the tip of the iceberg.

    Of course, no one really knows about those things (I suppose they do now). So how could they make me so disliked? I think that bubbling jealousy underneath the surface makes people bitter. I find myself letting bitterness, and bitterness' cousin, overly critical, seep out. Although people may not be able to pinpoint what they don't like about me, it probably has something to do with that. Who wants to be around a person that gives off bitterness and criticism? I certainly don't.

    So what to do about the root cause- the green-eyed monster? Well, on the practical side, I really try to keep a gratitude journal (although I probably don't flip back through it enough). I have also made the decision to quit bitching about others and work on my stuff by learning, growing, reading, and generally trying to become a better person and artist. I know those aren't very exciting solutions, but that's what I have for now. Feel free to post about your struggles and solutions concerning jealousy. I look forward to hearing from you!