Things I Learned This Summer- Part 1 of 756

I think it is finally time to talk about my summer and all the wonderful (and sometimes painful) lessons I learned. I know there has been quite a bit of speculation and questions about my "Pity Party" post, and I am feeling like it is time to talk a little about that, and mainly to discuss what I have learned.
    I take things really personally. I mean, an "unfriend" on Facebook can ruin an entire afternoon (even if this is a person I haven't talked to in years!). Criticism of any kind stresses me out. Years ago, when I was dealing with some kind of criticism in a program I was directing and very upset about it, a pastor gave me some great advice. If you are receiving criticism, it is constructive ONLY if you can do something about the concern. If there is nothing you can actually do about what someone else is telling you, it is basically BITCHING, and you have to let it go. It is their problem, not yours.
    So, during one of our kid's programs this summer, there was a disagreement with a parent. She and her child believed he should be allowed to sing something one way, and the directing staff felt pretty strongly he should sing it a different way. Who was right in this situation is not really the point (especially because the show was completed a month ago). The point is this: things got ugly, and some unfortunate things were said on both sides.
    What I learned:
          1. The main criticism the parent kept repeating was that our staff (and specifically I) did not have the training and education to tell her son how to sing. The situation is that this person did not actually know about my background, the course work and master classes I have taken. I got really defensive for no reason. I cannot argue with someone who chooses to believe things about me that aren't true. Saying that I do not have education when I do is not constructive nor should it bother me. I have to get better about letting things go and not getting so anxious and angry about opinions I cannot change.
          2. Worry about yourself- I got way too angry. I did not handle myself with the professionalism and respect I expect of myself. I also did not empathize with a person who is a mother, and no matter my opinion of her position, she was doing what she felt was right. Had I taken a second to make sure she understood she was heard (that doesn't mean I have to agree with her), I could have quickly de-escalated the situation, and probably had a more favorable outcome for everyone.
    Please understand that I am not advocating becoming a doormat with these lessons. Rather, I am simply reminding myself that the only thing I can control in any given situation is my actions and reactions, and in this particular life-test, I failed miserably at the things I value the most. (To be continued. . .)

Shock and Awe

List of Things I am in Shock and Awe Over:

1. Yesterday had more views to my blog than any other day.

2. That anyone really cares what I think enough to read my blog when many of them violently dislike me.

3. How much gossip and salaciousness sells.

4. How many wonderful people I have in my life.

5. How my husband can stay so calm in so many situations (when I really can't do that).

6. How often I forget to be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life.

7. How I could have assembled such an unspeakably wonderful staff for our summer programs.

8. That some wonderful and inspiring words from some kids could melt the ice I had built up around my heart to protect myself from caring to much and being hurt.

9. That my dogs love me no matter what.

10. That I might have enough time to go jet-skiing this weekend.

Pity Party- Table of One

Alright, I really try not to whine in blog, not write a poor me tale all the time, but today, I need a second to lick my wounds. Please quit reading now if you don't want to wallow with me for a moment.
     I am really not a bad person. I really try to give my all in everything I do (even the things I get paid very little or absolutely nothing for). I have had a few situations where people have trashed me and my reputation so hard that I really want to crawl under a rock and never be seen again. It is so utterly discouraging to put your heart and soul into something (whether that be a show, a camp, a protege) and have someone tell you (as I was tonight) "You should not work with kids- you are intentionally ruining kid's voices."
    Ouch. So, I am here, licking away at my wounds tonight, while my reputation is (yet again) being trashed on Facebook because I stood up for what I thought was the right thing in the situation. I try to take the high road, and don't say a lot, but it is getting really old being disliked. All for nothing. I know I don't have perspective right now, and I know things will get better. I promise not to whine so much tomorrow. (P.S. I also know this is not my best writing, so I apologize for that too.)

Where's the Trust? Part 2- A Confessional

In the interest of full-disclosure, as well as showing that I am really not as wise and insightful as I may sound on the blog, I should tell you that I am the worst actor ever. Not in the sense that I am bad at acting out a character; in that sense, I am a really good actor. I have pretty good technique combined with natural ability, and can be pretty damn good onstage. But, in that sacred contract I was talking about in my last blog post, the part about trusting the director, I am terrible. I truly don't trust directors at all.
     I think there are a couple of reasons for this distrust. First, I am such a director at heart, I really don't look at a production like an actor anymore. If my vision clashes with the director's vision, it makes things really interesting. Second, previous directors I have worked with saw the director in me, and even though I was an actor, asked (or told) me to take responsibility and create parts of a show without giving me real authority or power to do so. If you're gonna give someone responsibility, you really should make them an assistant director and give them credit for the job they did. It makes people really bitter when you don't.
     In general, I don't act very much anymore. I like being a director way more than being an actor. Plus, being an actor is really complicated for me; when I act now, my husband is the director. I don't trust him in that way. Not fully. And it sucks. And it's really hard. How can I not trust this man to be my director in a show? (I should state that he is a REALLY good director, has won awards, and has amazing vision in his shows.) I stood up in front of 200 people and pledged my life, my heart and my love to this man, and I am ready to argue with him when he tells me to enter from Stage Right instead of Stage Left?
     It's the control issues. I get incredibly anxious when I'm not in control. I like to do things my way and get very stressed when something happens to upset my perfect plans. So, do as I say, not as I do, and trust your director. Otherwise you will be a very bad actor like me.

Where's the Trust?

This week I was reminded of the importance of the most crucial part of the sacred contract between actor and director- the actor must trust the director. All of the biggest issues I have had in my theatre career have been caused by a breach in that trust.
     I was a brand new camp director in the performing arts camp I had created when a 3rd Grader ran away. Seriously. It was July, and this kid ran out of the theater- BAREFOOT- and ran four blocks on a burning July afternoon. We new immediately that he had run, but didn't realize he had run out the building. We were still searching the building for him when his mother brought him back (he had already called her and she picked him up at the local library- again, BAREFOOT). Why did he run? He didn't want to do what the director told him to do.
    The most miserable musical I ever did was last year. The cast could have been phenomenal because they were so talented. Instead, at least half the chorus was pissed the entire time because they didn't get the part they wanted. Now, I understand the disappointment with not getting the role you want (believe me, perpetual chorus member here). But when it comes down to it, the constant, bitching, complaining and asking why so-and-so got the lead is just a disguise for, "I don't trust you as a director. You don't know what you're doing." We had people drop out of that show due to the roles they were given, and so many complaining conversations, I don't even remember them all.
    Interesting thing happened though. A lot of those untrusting people left. Some just moved on, but we cut several out. And life got happier. A lot happier. I know that because our business  is theater, we will always be dealing with the trust issue. Each new person that comes through our doors will need to build trust with us, and sometimes that is a long process.
    But what prompts this post today is several people who have been working with us for over 2 years and still don't have the trust. At first I wondered, "Why don't they just leave? They obviously think we don't know what we're doing, and that they're much better than they actually are. Why make themselves and us miserable?" But this weekend, I have come to a different musing, "Why don't I just let them go as actors? This job is too hard without someone making ME miserable all the time!" I started making that decision earlier this week, and I have to tell you, I am feeling a whole lot happier.
     Takeaway advise (it's free, so take it for what it's worth)- whatever is the most important aspect of your sacred contract with others, whatever that non-negotiable item is, as soon as someone breaks it, realize that it is your decision whether or not to keep them in your life, but if you do, there is a good chance they will make you miserable!